Edgy Mama: Guys, if you can’t put the lid down, then sit down

I once read that flushing can splatter tiny droplets of dirty toilet water up to three feet away.

i too have been ruined by this knowledge. I hate those self-flushing toilets.

Oh, and i sit when on the inside throne. Standing is for outside, or urinals.

“I once read that flushing can splatter tiny droplets of dirty toilet water up to three feet away.”

Well, Edgy.  Just start putting their toothbrushes within that three-feet splatter zone.  That’ll fix ‘em.

Real men are not afraid of urine. Bear Grylls drinks his own when thirsty and then wets his shirt and wears it as a turban. Okay, though, I’ll sit down if women stop holding up checkout lines with their checkbooks and learn to parallel park.

Oh bre,
I don’t even carry a checkbook. And I lived and commuted in Boston, so I can out parallel park 90 percent of the U.S. population.

I think you have to sit down now.

Ha! With the Depends™ I am wearing, I am ALWAYS sitting down!

Brebro wrote:  “Real men are not afraid of urine.”

Well, Brebro, neither are real women if the occasion calls for it.  But real bears are, at least some of them.

I worked in the Alaskan Arctic for ten years, and here’s what the Eskimo (Inuit) women always advised us outsiders when out on the tundra picking salmon berries and greens, which was a woman thing. 

“If a grizzly appears, which is likely, just slowly lift your atigluk and urinate a few drops, and then lift high the skirt of your atigluk to appear as large as possible.  Then slowly walk backward, urinate a few more drops, walk slowly, urinate, continue to hold up skirt…... all the way back to the village.”  The berries and urine would be of more interest to the vegetarian bear, they said, than would you.

I never had to try it, but the Eskimo women swear it has saved more than a few lives.  In retrospect, I almost wish I had had the opportunity to try it… now that I am safe at home.

As for hungry meat-eating polar bears, though, the Eskimo women said nothing would stop them but bullets, or a fast snowmachine (snowmobile).  Humans are just protein to polar bears, they said, although not as nutritious as other mammals.

As for toilet seats, I lived many years up there without them, or even any plumbing at all.  In the whole scheme of things, such comforts are nice but not really necessary.  The important thing is how you work it all out with your men.  Sanitation is relative, as is modesty and most other things.

As for toilet seats, I lived many years up there without them, or even any plumbing at all.  In the whole scheme of things, such comforts are nice but not really necessary.

Well, that’s subjective. I go nowhere that doesn’t offer plumbing and real beds, but then my idea of roughing it is, “Oh, my God, it’s a Motel Six.”

Ken Hanke:  “.....my idea of roughing it is, ‘Oh, my God, it’s a Motel Six.’”

A Motel Six might be your better choice.  The wife of a friend of mine works in Las Vegas in a 5-star hotel.  She says the housekeepers are paid $3.00 for each bedbug they turn in, which is quite profitable for them.  She says ALL the major hotels there have them.

If the boys find it hard to aim, I suggest they get down on their knees and do their business.  That way the challenge of aiming is removed from the task.

A Motel Six might be your better choice.  The wife of a friend of mine works in Las Vegas in a 5-star hotel.  She says the housekeepers are paid $3.00 for each bedbug they turn in, which is quite profitable for them.  She says ALL the major hotels there have them.

Happily, I’m a little too plebian to have to deal with 5 star hotels.

I once had a girlfriend who was willing to put the seat up when she was done.  In return, I would hunt the polar bears and pay for the motel 6’s.  It’s best when chivalry can go both ways.

As a husband who lowers the seat regularly (at least now I do), I sometimes wonder where the gratitude is for having raised the seat in the first place. Trust me, it could be worse.

“All we ask, guys, is that if you’re going to insist on standing, playing with your pipe and leaving a mess behind, just close the lid afterward. Us girls will do the same, so it’s equitable — then everybody has to lift something before letting loose. Otherwise, sit your ass down on that throne.”

Insist on standing? Playing with your “pipe”? Leaving a mess behind? Standing up to pee is not only convenient, it’s natural. I don’t think men stand up to pee to play with their “pipes” or to try and make your life harder. Don’t traumatize your kid by making him feel guilty about what his body is designed to do.

Insisting that men have to put the seat down is basically arguing that if women have to suffer something then men should have to as well. I guess two wrongs make a right in your book.

Why don’t you learn to stand up to pee?

Speak for yourself Pee Pee. Parenting is all about traumatizing children.

All I know is: you have to rub their nose in it if they do it on the carpet.

I’m glad this subject came up. I’ve been waiting for years to expound on this matter. Being a military kid in the 70’s, with a father often away, and two older sisters and a mom ruling the roost, I definately got my fair share on the toilet seat issue. It was also during this time that the “women’s lib” ideal was inspiring my siblings and mother. Through the years my reasoning faculties matured and I once argued that if you want equality, then men put the seat up and women put the seat down - fair and equal. It didn’t fly. Now, if I am in a unisex or private bathroom, I put the seat up and down, I’ve been trained well. But I cuss if I’m in a men’s bathroom and other guys still put the seat down. It’s a breach of something, and I darkly think: those rules don’t apply here!

I have to laugh every time I see that some people (mostly women) still make an issue of this. I can promise you every time I have raced into the house with my buttocks clinched, and bolted for the bathhroom, I check that the seat is down before I “sit my ass down on that throne” I’m with jimmytwotimes. It could be much worse. Like having to clean all of the “pee by others” off of the seat. But I’m sure if all of us guys just stopped lifting the seat and started peeing on it instead, Edgy Mama would probably complain about that too. I am 100% for equal rights, and equal responsibility too. If I can lift it, you can put it down.

Guys, guys, you’re not reading closely. My argument is that everyone—regardless of gender—should put the lid on the toilet seat down. Then it’s equitable, as everyone has to lift something before peeing.

But then my dog would die of thirst.

hey, Em. I’ve been with you on this since the get go. Dont go blaming all the guys, now. toilet lids need to be down. i often have to remind my wife of this.

Where is the self responsibility? If you’re not attentive enough to look where you’re about to sit, then you deserve what you get. I agree with the philosophy that one should be thankful the sit is clean, not the position in which it rests.

I think that anyone who is viewing this issue as a gender issue is completely missing the point. Maybe it’s just the way I was raised, but putting the ‘lid’ down on the toilet seat should be viewed as nothing more, or less, than a sanitation issue. For example, if (for some inexplicable reason) one were to fill a jar with filthy water/liquid, they wouldn’t just leave that jar sitting around on the counter, without sealing it with a lid, would they? If you had a jar of urine in your hands right now, would you think it emasculating to want a lid on it? Would ya, punk?

Also, maybe it’s just because I have mad skills, but I don’t understand what’s so hard about aiming into that giant hole whilst standing up? I’ve been as drunk as a skunk, and more disoriented than a astronaut on an acid trip, and I still don’t have any trouble making it into the porcelain throne. If a man is that aiming impaired, then their problems exceed simply peeing. The bottom line is: I don’t care how you go, so long as you’re sanitary in your endeavors.

The thing about external urethras is, sometimes blockages can occur that are unknown at the time of fluid release and said blockages become apparent only after one or more streams emanate from the tube in sideways directions and by that time it is too late to compensate the trajectory towards the designated receptacle. Perhaps that situation is another argument in favor of the sitting position, but be aware that bad aim is not always the culprit in these matters.

While we’re on the subject of pee on the toilet seat.  How rude is women stand above the seat and pee is left on the seat?  While I try to make a point of checking I sometimes forget.  There is NOTHING more annoying that sitting on someone’s pee. There is a special place in hell for women who do this. 

I’ve confronted the offenders when I’ve caught them leaving a stall with their mess behind.  They don’t like being confronted, but they deserve a stern dressing down…and I never miss an opportunity to oblige them.

brebro, you’re of course completely correct in your point. As a fellow member of the grand male species, I’m fully aware of this. I wasn’t really being entirely serious in my tongue-in-cheek insult to the aiming impaired. But your scientific breakdown cracked me up, and for that I thank you.

You know, this whole sitting-on-a-puddle-of-pee thing sounds like a real bummer. It’s times like these that I can take joy in my manhood (no offense, ladies), and my manly ability to stand tall, and take aim (with my hands on my hips, in a Peter Pan style pose, of course). I shall not yield to the toilet conformists. Bathroom Nazis!

Well somehow words got edited out…...What I meant to say was “How rude are the women who stand above the seat and pee…....”

The ironic thing is that the only reason they are hovering over it in the first place is because they are afraid to sit down on what might be on that seat!

Yeah, because they KNOW from experience, some people pee on the #####ing seat.

Many people have conditions or disabilities where they cannot hover.  So they have to sit.  Those rude hovering types need to learn to aim better, or clean up their waste afterwords.

Oh Ironey!!!!!
You sure can smooth out those darn wrinkles!!!

the real issue is people shouldnt be pooping and peeing in the water supply at all.

pee in your garden. its good for the plants. and poop in a bucket of sawdust and compost it into nutrient rich soil!

Pfft! on that suggestion. 

Part of being civilized is having indoor plumbing.

if by ‘civilized’ you mean, ‘potentially ruining the water table for generations to come’.

Well, we HAVE been recycling the same water for the past few billion years.  Somehow the water cleaner upper dudes have figured out how to filter out the excrements, so far.

Join us for next week’s equally intellectually stimulating debate on whether the toilet paper should roll overhand or underhand.

Why wait til next week, twink. I’m so relieved that this was brought up. Another subject that I’ve been waiting for years to vent about. Back in 1969, when I was 5 years old,...

Underhand toilet paper sends me into a rage like you’ve never seen.

with the worlds water in such short supply i can’t believe you hippies are even using a water based toliet system. you should be recycling your urine…
shame on you. i am going to tell the green police.

I still like the idea of putting both seats down on a toilet after you use it in order to inconvienence both men and women. Regardless of your sex, both genders have to at least do something in order to be able to use the toilet.

Betty’s comments on urine and bears are right on the money too. A few years ago when a mother bear and two cubs repeatedly raided my garbage can, I solved the problem by drinking a six pack of cheap beer and peeing in a circle around the trash can (at night).

Dear Edgy Mama
I just finished reading your column about what males “should” do with the toilet seat. I was very glad to see your final conclusion, because it’s the only thing you had to say that didn’t make me want to scream. I was actually relieved to see it, because the position of every woman in the western world, except you, is that the only “correct” position for the toilet seat and lid is: seat down, lid up. Why? They’re not even ashamed to tell you, “Because that’s the way I need it! Me,me,me!!! Men should lift it up before, and put it back down after. I shouldn’t have to touch it all!!!” Your conclusion that the only way to be equitable is for everyone to leave the lid down tells me that you’re not selfish, you just haven’t thought things through. Lucky for you, I’m here to enlighten you.

First off, a male can’t fully empty his bladder while sitting. So if you love the idea of having to take your male kiddos to the doctor for bladder infections, teach them to pee sitting down. But let me tell you an even more important reason NOT to teach them that. It’s called personal responsibility. There is no reason why a man has to leave a toilet in a mess. (Now, in case you don’t know, sometimes, no matter how hard he tries, a man IS going to miss. You wouldn’t believe how shocking it is to see 2 streams coming out of the end of that thing, with both of them going in different directions! Trust me when I tell you that one of those streams is going to miss!!!) So, having missed, for whatever reason, there is only one reasonable thing to do, and that is CLEAN IT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EM, don’t teach your kids, “I know you won’t clean it up, so do this instead.” Teach them to CLEAN IT UP! When my wife’s son was 10-or-12ish, he had a friend over to the house, and the kid peed all over the toilet seat. When Jill saw that, she took the kid into the bathroom, handed him cleaning supplies, and told him, “Clean it up!” A couple years ago, we had a painter in our house for 2 weeks. Grown man, about 30 years old. On his last day, he left for the last time, never to be seen again, check in hand. The last thing he did before leaving was to use the bathroom. After he was gone, I went in there, and there was more pee on the seat that I had peed in the last 30 days! It looked like he thought he was in a damn gas station out on the highway in the middle of nowhere! I wanted to fix him so that he HAD to sit down to pee! His mama obviously didn’t bring him up well. Teach your kids to clean up after themselves, EM. The world will thank you.

And now, one last thought regarding whether a man “should” leave the seat up or down when he leaves a public unisex bathroom. As I’ve said, every woman in the world (except you) would scream, “Put the seat down when you finish! That’s how I need it to be!” But consider what happens if the next person in the restroom after me is that asshole of a painter (or his brother too, probably). If I’ve left the seat up, he pees everywhere except the seat, then the next woman who comes in can just put the (clean) seat down and take care of business. (She might want to wrap her hand in a whole roll of paper towels before touching it—ook!—but it least it’s not peed all over.) But if I put it down for Ms I’mSoImportantICan’tDoItForMyself, he pees all over it, and the next woman who comes in (It could be you.) is screwed.

Now that you’ve been enlightened as to the truth about toilets, their seats, male bladders, and the responsible use thereof, I leave to you the responsibility of spreading this great truth to the masses.
You’re welcome.