Asheville Parks & Rec opens vortex for the summer

TUNNEL ROAD, MONDAY — Kissyour family farewell, pack a picnicand blow your mind thisweekend at the Asheville VortexRecreation Center, which hasopened for the summer season.

“It’s the perfect temperatureoutside to lose your soul staringinto Asheville’s famous spiralingenergy-wheel,” said LeahTomlinson, assistant director ofthe Asheville Parks & Recreationdepartment. “Plus, it’s an environmentallyfriendly mode of unpredictabletrans-dimensional transportation.”

On a clear day, visitors can enjoy relativistictime dilation, whereby it seemsthat companions are “slow” or “thick,"their speech “incomprehensibly muddled.”

The invisible swirling energy field,located approximately 50 yards past thedumpster behind Hooters restaurant onTunnel Road, is a popular place for bothlocals and wide-eyed messianic driftersto relax and enjoy its powerful downwardflow.

Tomlinson is keeping her fingerscrossed for a safe vortex season.

“Every year, several individuals areabsorbed into the energy center againsttheir will,” Tomlinson said. “So, I’ll sayit once again: Folks, you got to go withthe flow. Don’t fight it.”

The majority of Asheville’s multiplevortices are harnessed to fuel marathoncommunity meetings and organized discussions.The Tunnel Road vortex,known as the “crown chakra of WNC’svortex parks,” has been opened yearly tothe public for transformational soulexpansion and recreation since its discoveryin 1986 by a teleporting Arizonahiker who fell into a twisted juniper treeoutside of Sedona.

“It’s far too complex to explain how itworks, but basically there is an invisibleorb of energy that resonates with yourinner being, and a full-service snackbar,” said Tomlinson. “Extremely sensitivepeople exploded recently whencoming within a quarter-mile of the vortex,so we know it still works. We justhad to clean the leaves out of the drain,as well as the blind, mutated, screechingenergy-worms.”

Tomlinson offered one more piece ofadvice.

“Please do not lick the electro-magneticquartz,” urged Tomlinson, whonoted that doing so creates the taste ofyour saliva in the mouths of everyonewithin three miles of the vortex.