On the Beat, with Copwatch

The following incidents were recorded by volunteer agents of Copwatch. Copwatch is a volunteer citizen’s brigade dedicated to cop-watching. Cops suspected of staring at Copwatch agents are filmed at no cost to the public.

7:52 p.m., Pisgah View Apartments Two uniformed cop-perps seen prowlingaround parking lot. Later seen fleeingback to squad car after hearing loud noisewhen Copwatch agent accidentallydropped flashlight on pavement. Perpofficersseen driving away at high speeds.No follow-up action. Later called perpheadquartersto request assistance afternon-perps in Pisgah ViewApartments assaulted us andstole our belts and shoes.Uniformed perps reappearedand we took downtheir squad car numberafter they untied us.

8:17 p.m., Merrimon Avenue Suspicious police-looking car seenparked at gas station for very long time.Another vehicle arrived and pulled up tofirst car. Judging from scenic-vista decalson sides of cars, light bars on top of carsand overall coppiness of vehicle,Copwatch believes cars were driven bycop-perps. Suspected cops then conspiredin hushed whispers through driver's-sideopen windows for 45 minutes. Officersuspectsthen suspiciously stared atCopwatch agents. Aggressive stare successfullyvideo-taped and archived. Latershared awkward moment inside gas stationwhen officer and Copwatch agentboth reached for HoneyBun. BackupCopwatch agent arrived and filmed officer-suspect until personal safety andHoneyBun were secured.

9:52 p.m., Battery Park Avenue Light drizzle keeps officer-suspectsinside their vehicles. Though intendingto perform public outreach and film theofficer perps in their vehicle, Copwatchagents also elected to remain in their vehiclebecause it was so wet and we don't getpaid to do this. Subsequent video footageof officer suspects inside their car staring atus inside our car subsequently very "rainy"looking and probably not admissible incourt.

10:23 p.m., Patton Avenue Copwatch responded to report of officerharassment. Upon arriving, Copwatchagent detected strong smell of garlic onbreath of officer, who was writing aspeeding ticket to Copwatch complainant,an unhappy hot girl. Officeradmitted to having “just one, maybe two”garlic rolls at Ryan's Steakhouse earlier inthe evening with his dinner. I informedthe officer that he smelled like he ate adozen garlic rolls, and to cool it with thegarlic in the future. Officer was filmedtaking this advice into consideration andsitting in car calibrating a Breathalyzerdevice, which took forever. Copwatchagents decided it would mean too muchpaperwork if we stayed and watched officergive victim sobriety test, and it startedraining again, so we left.

News Briefs:

Cicadas stage 17-hour silent protest in local man’s backyard

All Buncombe Co. public pools heated to bladder temperature

UNCA7-footer Kenny George donating 18 inches to small charity

Letters, cont. from p. 6

Bacon pockets
To the editors:
Recently, Carl Mumpower boldly declared: “Anybody who’s interested in keeping our bacon in our own pockets should vote for me.” Huzzah, Carl! Not only do I keep bacon in my pockets, but also pork chops in my armpits, baby back ribs in my athletic socks, and a ham slice, folded to look like a handkerchief, in my shirt pocket. At the beach, I throw a kielbasa down my Speedos for good measure.
— Arthur T. Meatly, Woodfin

An unidentified monkey in an unidentified body of water, above.

Series of barter exchanges leads local licensed masseuse into life of light prostitution
‘Bartering is a slippery slope for well-meaning massage therapists,’ says the accused’s attorney, who is getting rolfed by the hour.

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