Dear Arnold, I'm breastfeeding my three-monthold and I’ve been noticing that my right nipple has been very itchy. I’m worried it might be thrush. What should I do? — Charlene

Dear Gertrude, Of course your nipple itches — you’ve got a rug rat gnawing on it all day.
So many things you can stick in that kid's mouth ... why your nipple? My mother, for instance, used an old boot.
I don’t know what the hell thrush is, but if you’ve got a case of the itchy nipple, this is what you do: Spray each nipple with WD-40 (nature’s healer). Wrap each nipple in tin foil and lay in the sun for two to three hours. That’ll bake the itch right out of it. I’ve gotten rid of a few cases of clap that way.