At some point, I want, no I need, to write about Haiti and about talking to my kids about what’s happening there. But right now, like many folks, I’m still trying to get my head around it all. So I’m going to throw out a little something pro-active that we can all do in the meantime.

I’m going to offer you a deal. I’ll tell you about a bunch of inexpensive and kids-eat-free restaurant options locally, so you can save money while feeding your children. But you have to promise me that you’ll

Neither of my babies wanted to vacate my womb.

I needed them out of there, but both had to be forced — the first via Caesearian section, the second via Hoover-matic.

The down side, of course, is once they’re out, there’s no sticking them back in.

Wouldn’t it be great, in those newborn weeks, to be able to reattach the umbilical cord for a few hours? Just so the baby’s fed, warm and safe while mom falls into a coma? That would rock.

I was reminded of my attempts to induce my babies to

Arctic Asheville has taken a huge bite out of my kids’ daily outside time. Subfreezing temperatures plus school cancellations plus school, but, “It’s too cold for recess” have turned my kids into bored, hyper and annoying…little people. 

I’ve been trying to sneak some exercise into their days—without moving all the furniture and turning my home into an inside gymnasium. My house is too small and old for that. The dining room light fixture literally bounces when the kids walk through my

Where the hell is my hovercraft? And my domestic robot? And my hot meal-vending oven?

Here it is, 2010, and I’m still driving a gasoline-guzzling, carbon monoxide-spewing vehicle, cleaning my house with an ancient broom and cooking over a fire. Well, I’m cooking over gas, but it’s just like cooking in the woods. Except there’s no wood involved.

Anyway, I’m disappointed in our brave new world of the aught-tens. Much that was predicted has not come to pass. That said, I think that there’s

It’s time again to look back on some of the memorable moms of the past year.

These women aren’t necessarily listed here because I agree with who they are or what they stand for, but they’re moms who struck me as memorable in some way this year.

Here they are, in no particular order:

Most insane mom: Nadya Suleman a.k.a. Octomom. Her litter of octuplets will turn one in January. She’s a single mom to fourteen kids under the age of seven. Need I say more?

Most unpredictable mom: Sarah

Dear friends, family, and those of you who forward me viral e-mails,

My year’s been really exciting, even though all I’ve done is sit in front of my computer reading e-mails and hanging out on Facebook and Twitter. But I’ve learned so much!

For example, in 2009, I learned that if a robber throws an egg at my windshield, I shouldn’t stop to wipe it off because then the robber will rob me.

I’ve also learned not to take business cards from strangers because they could be soaked with

Remember Rocky, our 22-pound sumo cat, whom we’ve been torturing through kitty fat camp for the past two months? This photo of him was taken after his spring “lion” shave. We give his tubbiness a kitty crew cut so he’s not utterly miserable during the hot summer months. But now that he’s the biggest feline loser, maybe we can bypass the spring shave.

And he is a loser — Rocky’s lost almost three pounds! That’s 10 percent of his body weight. While not yet svelte, he’s definitely less bulky.

If you’re a parent, and you haven’t heard of Zhu Zhu pets, you either live on Mars or you’re my spouse (in other words— oblivious).

Unfortunately, I do know about Zhu Zhu pets — this year’s holiday toy craze.

Zhu Zhus are toy hamster robots with cutesy monikers like Num Nums, Chunk and Mr. Squiggles. They’re “interactive,” which supposedly means they’re almost as much fun as real hamsters. They may be preferable to live rodents, in fact, since they don’t eat or poop or do inappropriate

That 18-wheeler barreling down the mountainside at us, with no runaway truck ramp in sight, is another holiday season. Let’s just hope the truck is loaded with Christmas trees.

Every year, I over-schedule, overdo and overtire myself prepping for the holidays, despite my best intentions to relax and enjoy the time with my kids, especially while they still believe in magic.

Here are my plans for stopping (or at least slowing down) that big-ass truck this season:

1. No over-scheduling.

Every once in a while I feel guilty about not volunteering at my kids’ school more often. That’s when I make the mistake of blurting out half-baked ideas. Ideas like: “Hey, I want to help the fifth-graders produce a school newspaper.” An idea to which my daughter’s teacher enthusiastically responded in the affirmative.

I’m not sure what I was thinking, because the last time I did any page design was 1988. That was only two years after mastering my college newspaper’s page design software —

Since this week’s Mountain Xpress is the Green Living issue, I’m tackling the subject of living sustainably. And explaining why both polar bears and you are awesome.

I often dish about saving the earth. But really, I’m talking about saving us — homo sapiens sapiens. And saving the polar bears — because they’re awesome.

Earth’s been around for billions of years (like 4.5 billion). We’ve only been around for maybe 200,000 years. The earth’s not going anywhere.

But climate change could end

This is Rocky. He weighs 22 pounds. His litter mate, Houdini, weighs nine. Both cats have been fed the same food throughout their lives. When we rescued the twosome, they were same-sized fur balls. But Rocky is a kibble ho.

The neighborhood kids call him Garfield, because he moseys around begging for food and attention. Like Garfield, he’s sassy and fearless—dogs run from him.

We wonder if we manifested the cat’s destiny by naming him “Rocky.” Perhaps if we’d named him “Cutie Pie,” he

I recently had a conversation with a friend about how much life babies suck out of their mamas. Yes, they suck vast quantities of milk, but also, they suck away our time, energy, sleep and general equilibrium. Babies are cute vampires.

The reason babies are so freaking adorable is because otherwise, parents would be like, “What the hell? Why would I devote so much to something that’s actually a vampire?” That’s why babies smile and gurgle and have itsy pink toes that are practically edible.

Witches and goblins and ghouls, oh my. Costumes and candy and kids, oh my.

The spine-tingling thrill of watching people wandering around dressed up as monsters and villains makes me happy.

What makes me less tingly is the rampant consumerism around Halloween.

Last year’s pagan holiday spending was predicted to top $5.7 billion, according to the National Retail Foundation. And that was during a recession. While Halloween might be a bright spot for retailers, I personally would like to see

October 12 was a hugely important day for our family.

It wasn’t an anniversary or a birthday. Nobody got braces or stitches. Oct. 12 was important because it was the release day for Jeff Kinney’s new book, Dog Days, the fourth in his Diary of a Wimpy Kid series.

My family discovered Kinney’s books several months ago — long after most of the 9-to-12-year-old set — and we’ve become Wimpy Kid addicts. These books are the first young adult books that speak to all four of us — kids and adults

Enough already with the ark jokes — yes, we’ve had a helluva lot of rain this fall, and while it’s pulled Western North Carolina out of a five-plus year drought, it’s also caused some problems, including drowned crops, floods, wet basements and hyper kids.

I don’t want to diminish the losses to area apple growers or damage caused to homes and businesses by flooding. But I do need some help working the sillies out of my kids, who’ve been cooped up, both at home and school, for way too many

Breaking news: President Obama’s approval rating plummets in elementary schools around the country.

Why? He wants to steal summer vacation.

Because? Kids get too much vacation already. Luckily, third-graders can’t vote, so who cares if they’re pissed off.

In truth, the president says he wants to shorten summer vacation, implement longer school days, and offer open school on weekends so students have a “safe” place to be. The first two are proven strategies for improving test scores and

There’s more good news on the health benefits of beer, especially for women. A recent study reveals that those of us who drink beer regularly have stronger bones than those who don’t.

Out of 1,700 women participating in the study (average age was 48), those considered moderate beer drinkers had the highest bone density.

At this news, I jumped up and danced a little happy dance, during which I spilled some of my medicinal Scottish ale. I love beer and luckily, I live in Beer City, USA,

A critic of my Edgy Mama column recently remarked that I’m “just another North Asheville soccer mom.” Dude, that expression is so 1996.

The term “soccer mom” entered national lingo when Bill Clinton was running for president against Bob Dole. One of Dole’s media advisors, Alex Castellenos, was quoted as saying Clinton was targeting the influential 30-something female voters, whom he termed “soccer moms.” Clinton did win, thanks in part to these swing vote moms, who would later vilify him

I met 13-year-old Zoe Silvey when she answered the front door of her home. Zoe didn’t look directly at me, but stared past my left shoulder, then said something I couldn’t quite understand and turned away.

Zoe has autism.

When Zoe was 4 ½, she was “completely non-verbal and almost catatonic,” says her mom, Shelley Pereda Camp. Shelley moved to Asheville as a single mom of two in 2000. Zoe had been diagnosed with autism early, at about 16 months old, and her father left the family soon

Here we go again. We’ve cleaned out the “bad” plastics from the cupboard. We’ve taught our kids not to use plastics or plastic wrap in the microwave. We’ve replaced sippy cups and plastic water bottles with metal drinking bottles.

But wait. Those metal drinking bottles that have been marketed as eco-friendly and non-harmful? Not safe.

OK, some of them are safe. But it turns out that a high percentage of those SIGG drinking bottles that I’ve purchased over the years for my kids contain

Pandemic flu, global climate change, hurricanes, antibiotic-resistant bacterial infections — these are some of the life-changing phenomena that haunt me as a parent.

Last week, the Buncombe County Health Center offered me one way to prepare for the coming flu season. Health officials are predicting a double-edged sword of Damocles this fall, as conditions ripen for the spread of both annual flu and H1N1 flu viruses (H1N1 is better known as swine flu).

The center suggests organizing a “flu

While us parents are wandering around humming, “School, glorious school,” our kids are caught up in a state of what I call “dreadcitement.” They’re both dreading and excited about, anxious over and anticipating the start of a new school year.

Unfortunately, “dreadcitement” can result in back-to-school nightmares.

We’ve all had them. Some of us still have them: those oft-recurring dreams of failing a test, showing up in class starkers, or being the subject of derision or scorn from teachers

Parenting when you’re sick or in pain can be difficult. Most of us have to just muddle through the burden of taking care of kids while trying to heal ourselves.

Part of the challenge includes comforting kids, whom, the moment mom gets sick or hurt, become convinced she’s going to die and abandon them. After all, they’ve seen scores of kid movies that prove this hypothesis. Hurt mom equals dead mom equals orphan kid alone in the woods beset by danger until long-lost dad or other friendly but

National Public Radio recently reported that American kids average seven hours a day interacting with some type of screen.

Seven hours per day? That’s an average? That’s like a full-time job playing video games and watching movies and television. Who are these kids whose days are equal parts school, screen time and sleep? And what does that mean for them?

The amount of designated screen time is an ongoing kid vs. adult battle in my household. During the school year, my kids are allowed one

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about pets and death. Perhaps because I’ve had a number of friends who’ve recently lost long-time family pets. Perhaps because Biscuit (our dorkie-poo mutt) recently used our canoe as a springboard to jump the fence and follow us down to Asheville Pizza & Brewing. Neighbors herded him toward home and eventually dropped him back over the fence, but only after he’d run down to Merrimon Avenue and into the road, according to one on-looker.

The thought of our small

My 10-year-old girl darted up and said, “Mom, can you make me dinner?” Even though I was holding my 19-month-old niece, who’d been fussy, the girl assumed I’d immediately drop the baby to fix her dinner.

She assumed wrongly. I blinked at her, astonished. “Your dad’s making dinner right now. See him?” I pointed to the kitchen area.

“But Mom can you get me some…?”

I interrupted her. “I have a baby on my lap. Your dad is in the kitchen. As are your grandparents and your uncle. Can you please

My girl will attend overnight camp for a week near Brevard in August, and I’m concerned about an unwanted visitor. When she went last year, visions of natural disasters, girl-eating bears, and murky ponds freaked me out. This year, it’s the interloper otherwise known as the swine flu.

The H1N1 virus has been spreading in camps throughout the country, and in particular, in Western North Carolina, one of the nation’s overnight camp centers. The flu was first confirmed in a camp setting at Camp

On my recent flight between Atlanta and Stockholm, the only movie choices were kid movies (Hotel for Dogs, Powerball Revolution). On my return trip, the offerings were adult films, albeit with an “adult content” warning preceding them (Duplicity, He’s Just Not That Into You). This experience made me think about U.S. Rep. Heath Shuler.

Almost two years ago, Rep. Shuler sponsored the Family Friendly Flights Act, which would require planes displaying violent in-flight entertainment to provide a

The day I lost my child in the Atlanta airport was the worst day of my parenting life thus far. For 15 hellish minutes, my world collapsed.

He was 4 years old, and we were returning from a family vacation in New Hampshire. Our flight from Atlanta to Asheville was delayed. After sitting for an hour at one gate, airline officials moved us to another gate about 500 yards away. There we sat for another hour or so.

The concourse was packed with people, speeding up and down the walkway like

Now that the joy of no school has faded into that perpetual, annoying chorus of “Mom, what are we going to do today?”, I’m searching for entertainment. Preferably the low-cost, expend-lots-of-kid-energy kind of entertainment. Here are a few local options that are fun and free (or relatively inexpensive).

Inside (where the air-conditioning’s free):
• Beaucatcher Cinemas and the new Biltmore Regal Grande offer free kid movies every Tuesday and Wednesday at 10 a.m. You’ll pay $1 at the Carmike

Proposed state budget cuts to our educational system will mean fewer teachers in schools and more students in individual classrooms. I’m all for trimming fat, but our schools are in danger of becoming Jack Sprat. The cuts would take more than a pound of flesh — the process would harm our kids.

Study after study confirms that students in smaller classes are more focused and have fewer behavioral problems than students in larger classes (a recent study in the Journal of Educational Psychology

I often refer to laundry as the Sisyphean stone of parenthood. It’s the number one never-ending chore of parenting. Number two, after laundry, comes grocery shopping.

I don’t remember much about grocery shopping when I was single or coupled but childfree. It was something I did quickly, after work, maybe once or twice a week — not one of the boulders I had to push uphill daily.

Now grocery shopping’s one of the chores I dread the most. Why? Because not a day goes by that I don’t need to

Seems like yesterday I was changing diapers, while today I’m explaining the term “suicide bomber.”

The thrilling part, that no one explains to you before you produce offspring, is that it’s a constantly changing challenge. As your kids metamorph, so must your parenting.

At first, parenting is oh so physical. Babies are lousy at taking care of themselves, so it’s up to parents to do everything for them. Once babies evolve into toddlers, the physicality bumps up a notch with the advent of the

“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country,” wrote Kurt Vonnegut.

I recently walked into a party full of folks I went to high school with and experienced a similar epiphany, though without too much terror.

The party came about when our high school-era garage band, whose members reconnected via Facebook, organized a reunion. The band, comprised of members from two rival high schools and two different classes, succumbed to the

My kids are veggie-challenged, green-phobic, liable to screech annoyingly before letting a sliver of broccoli touch their lips.

The irony of this is that they’re both vegetarians. While I’ve never offered them meat, neither have I kept them away from it. The result is that they don’t much like it, which I figure is better both for their health and that of the earth.

Despite their purported vegetarianism, my kids don’t consume lots of vegetables. In fact, the majority of their caloric needs

What day of the week do chickens hate? Fry-day!

The lowly chicken has been big news around town lately.

For one, the Asheville City Chickens movement pushed through changes to the city’s animal control ordinance governing urban chickens last week at Asheville City Council. Now those of us with houses so close together you can use two paper cups and a string to chat can keep chickens, too. Thanks to the ACC, the minimum distance between a coop and your neighbor’s home has been reduced —

We never forget our best teachers. But do we remember to thank them for what they’ve done for us?

I need a reminder to thank the teachers in my life, as well as to thank those currently teaching my elementary-school-aged kids. Tuesday, May 5, is National Teacher Day, which offers me both reminder and opportunity.

We all have at least a few teachers in our lives that truly changed the way we think — either about ourselves or about the world outside ourselves. And if we have kids, we’re

In honor of Earth Day, I talked to Enviro-spouse about his work on climate change with the Sustainability Institute and how it affects the kids of today and tomorrow.

My questions were: “How do we parent through climate change? How do we prepare our kids for the changes they’ll live through?”

Here’s some of what he said (translated from Geek Speak).

For our kids’ physical health, we need to quickly and steadily reduce fossil-fuel emissions to prevent catastrophic climate change. We’ll need

I’ve been seeing lots of those stick family car stickers around town, mostly on the back windows of mommy vans and stud-daddy SUVs. Driving to and from Charlottesville, Va., last weekend, practically every van I passed contained a traveling family boldly advertising their family/pet configuration on the rear windshield.

What’s the point of these stickers? What are these folks really advertising? How happy their families are? Is it part of a religious movement? Are they saying, “Here’s my

My angel-faced son was not quite 2 years old when the director of his church preschool called to tell me my boy had dropped a wooden block on his foot, then yelled, “S**t!”

While an understandable use of profanity given the situation, his outburst clearly wasn’t appropriate to the setting.

There was no question the boy was imitating Mommy, so I took full responsibility and told the preschool director that I’d work on curbing my vulgar tendencies. Luckily, the preschool director had a sense

Big news here in Edgy land. This is my final Edgy Mama column. I’m traveling a new career path, one that other Ashevillians have taken, though I’ll be the first female to dip my big toe into the vat o’ hops.

Yes, I’m going to open another brewery in Asheville-number 6 or 7, depending on when certain in-the-works breweries put the barley to the pedal.

Why another brewery?  Because I’m a craft beer addict with nothing better to do than quaff brewskis and watch my waistline expand to Rush

My girl and her best buddy are taking a spy class together. Yes, a number of Asheville parents are paying for their kids to learn how to spy.

The way our kids do it, spying involves them sneaking quietly around the house and spending hours writing notes to each other in secret code-pretty healthy entertainment, overall. A couple of times I’ve come around a corner only to shriek in surprise after running smack into a half-hidden kid. Hearing the floorboards creak behind me as I’m trying to

I’m all about low-key, low-cost birthday parties. I’ve thrown some for my kids that have cost next to nothing, and a few that inexplicably went over budget. (OK, maybe not inexplicably. Buying cupcakes and pizza for 30 kids and supplying beer to parents so they won’t leave their spawn and run can add up).

As birthday season approaches (lots of spring and summer births), here are a few recessionary ideas for throwing fun — but cheap — par-tays for your kidlings:

• Don’t buy invitations. Most

“I’m not going to clean up my room unless you help me,” says the boy.

“Do NOT give your mother ultimatums,” I say.

“But Mom, I don’t have any old tomatoes,” he replies.

Experts say that chores help kids learn responsibility and build self-esteem. That’s great, but I need more non-negotiable child labor around here.

We’ve tried a variety of ways to implement chores, from tying them to allowance to making chore charts to telling the kids that this is what you do when you’re part of a family,

I’m writing this column at home, while my girl sleeps after a long night of vomiting.

She may have picked up one of the myriad tummy bugs currently bouncing around her school. Or I may have fed my child a tainted peanut.

At least that’s what occurred to me at 2 a.m. as I was cleaning the toilet for the third time in two hours. See, yesterday she wanted to make trail mix, so I bought the proper ingredients, we mixed it up, and she ate a bowlful (the boy’s in an anti-peanut phase, and I won’t

Between my two kids, I breast-fed for a total of about 3 1/2 years. Yes, I spent that many years exposing my boobs in a variety of places to feed my kids, who never took a bottle and went straight from breast-feeding to drinking from a sippy cup.

I finished nursing my youngest almost five years ago but have fond memories of those years. For one, it’s a heckuva a lot easier to lift your shirt than to cook dinner for a family. Some days, I wish my kids were still so easy to feed.

As all of you

Here’s a video preview of this week’s Edgy Mama column.