After the recent discussion of Love and Logic, I’d be interested to hear other parents’ experiences on what works for them. Having two boys relatively close in age, a lot of our issues involve infighting and knowing when it is appropriate to be crazy. Love and Logic has helped with this a lot, and we now have a good rewards system. What do you do?
willc, i find the love & logic dogma much too harsh for my kids. for instance, love & logic curriculum would have you put a misbehaving child on the side of the road and drive away. not only is this emotional abuse, it’s crazy dangerous and likely to get your kid taken away! no matter what they do, they need to know that you would never abandon them. this is critical to their mental health as well as to your success with behaviors!
i do believe strongly in the “choices” approach. give your kids lots of choices, starting with limited ones early on. “do you want to wear these or these?” or “would you rather have broccoli or asparagus?” also, making sure that they know their behaviors are always a choice and that those choices have either good or bad consequences.
i would never give positive reinforcement for negative behavior (giving in to demands for candy, for instance) and you have to always, always, always follow through on a threat.
finally, the 1-2-3 system worked GREAT for two kids (now 26 and almost 17) and still works today like magic. you can never outgrow it ... and if you say “3” you HAFTA follow-up. i said “3” only once, about 14 years ago, and never had to say it again for my youngest ...
There are obvious cases in the Love and Logic method where you wouldn’t want to do things to endanger your child(ren), and I think leaving him/her/them by the roadside is one such case. They aren’t asking you to give up common sense.
My motto is to always pretend Social Services is watching over your shoulder.
yes, but don’t you find it surprising that they suggested it, giving up common sense themselves? in the version i read, this was specifically given as an option ...
yes, but don’t you find it surprising that they suggested it, giving up common sense themselves? in the version i read, this was specifically given as an option ...
I haven’t read that part, but I’m not saying it doesn’t exist. The general philosophy of L&L makes sense to me, and it seems to work in practice.
In the course I attended, they emphasized that it is an evolving process, which is much simpler when your kids are younger. You can’t expect a 3 year old to learn from being abandoned on the road side, however, a 15 year old would probably get the point and be able to reconcile the lesson being taught.
willc, i wouldn’t leave ANYONE at any age, even an adult, on the side of the road. that’s low tactics and not a healthy response, in my opinion. that sort of thing is best handled with things like tv, cell phone, computer, curfews, driving privileges, etc. at that age ...
willc, i wouldn’t leave ANYONE at any age, even an adult, on the side of the road. that’s low tactics and not a healthy response, in my opinion. that sort of thing is best handled with things like tv, cell phone, computer, curfews, driving privileges, etc. at that age ...
I’m not saying I would do it either; I was just pointing out that the tactics used should fit the age, and that’s what the L&L class I attended was teaching.
That said, if it was a knife-wielding Klan member with Tourette’s, I wouldn’t hesitate ditching him/her on the side of the road.
what would you suggest for the 2+ y/o i watch, whose single mother doesnt believe in ‘discipline’, when she intentionally disobeys me (because she wants attention)? The example i gave earlier was her running across the street, even though she knows better.
i mean, she could have been killed. she used to respond to me saying ‘stop!’, but as she gets older, and mom’s ‘no discipline approach’ sets in, she just thinks me saying ‘stop’ is a game, and that chasing (which she loves) is soon to follow. i dont want to chase her, but i cant let her run in the street.
honestly, if i thought smacking her would get across that she MUST listen, i would. but since she doesnt get any discipline at home, i dont think that would work.
If it is attention she wants, give her attention. But be creative and proactive about it being a positive thing. If she gets enough positive attention, she won’t seek out the negative attention.
I’ve found one of the best things for ornery kids is the tactic of distraction. If one of mine starts getting whiny or disobedient, I try to be preemptive and redirect his attention to any one of the ongoing lists of things I have in my head. For example, “Hey want to see how long a piece of bread will float in a bowl of water?” Or, “Hey want to learn a magic trick?”
You gotta keep them occupied and keep their attention on things that are positive, or at least not negative.
