I was afraid of my parents. I don’t hate them. I just knew that if I screwed up I’d get the crap beaten out of me.
Odds are if you don’t hit your kids you are just going to buy them dirtbikes one day, and then they are going to be pricks their whole life.
Yeah, I dont see the definative connection between hitting or being hit and anger or violence. I fully understand many see it as the same. But I don’t. Life can be violent. To a certain degree, some children, at times, need to have that boundary defined for them. This is worlds away from beating a child (or anyone for that matter) out of anger, frustration, or any other lack of control of ones emotions.
Anytime I was smacked hard enough to remember it, I also remembered what I was hit for. “Dont do that.” “Noted.” I had more respect for my mother when I saw how she was able to channel her emotions constructively to impart an important lesson, and even at 8 or 10 I could see that she wasn’t ‘out of control’, but rather showing me something important.
There can be plenty of painful consequences in life, I see no reason why the home should be any different of a learning place. And most the kids I grew up with who were definitely out of control, and often violent, were the kids whose parents didnt discipline in any kind of consistent way.
There can be plenty of painful consequences in life, I see no reason why the home should be any different of a learning place. And most the kids I grew up with who were definitely out of control, and often violent, were the kids whose parents didnt discipline in any kind of consistent way.
There ought not be painful consequences at home. Studies generally show that the more violent and abusive parents are the more likely the child will exhibit aggressive behavior. Firmness and consistency are quite effective at establishing boundaries. The message you send when striking a child is first and foremast, I’m bigger and stronger than you so I can do this.
When I first started teaching it was during an era when the teacher was held in loco parentis. I was teaching a bunch of roughneck juvenile delinquents. On occasion many of the male teachers used physical force, typically a good slap to head or cheek. It was effective with kids like that many of whom knew nothing other than physical force. I later came to realize I was being rather selective with my smacks. Then it dawned on me, “hey, you’re whacking only kids you think you can over power” end of technique.
Years later, after 19 teaching in public schools, I had occasion to return to institutional teaching where it was now illegal to strike the kids. We were taught special restraint techniques when needed but the kids were so big I was literally incapable of applying the lessons, rarely had to.
The fact is, these big tough street kids were pretty much under control using incentives of one sort or another but firmness, consistency and a sense of fairness where we treated the kids with respect and demanded the same was the rule. Back up plan was a staff member with others available if needed, who WAS big enough to take a kid to the floor. Best job I ever had though I had successfully applied these concepts to public school very successfully as well.
My mom slapped me in the face just once that, I can recall, and the resentment that it brought lasted a very long time. Maybe not, if there is a sense that it was deserved. In my case it was done out of a fear reaction and certainly not justified. Tell you, compared to other families, we have a very close relationship with both our adult children. They both count as among our best friends. I don’t know about you, but I enjoy this sort of relating.
what do you do when a friend’s child refuses to obey? Sometimes, this 2-ish y/o just wants to run out in the street, or go where she shouldn’t, trying to get me to chase her. How do i communicate the severity of the situation if the parents don’t really believe in discipline? Normally, shes fairly well-behaved, but if she’s in play-mode, and wants that sort of attention, common sense just goes away.
I’m sure there isn’t a perfect answer, but i’m curious about some approaches…
I’m sure there isn’t a perfect answer, but i’m curious about some approaches…
Don’t be afraid to be stern with her, even if her parents are not. There is a girl who visits my kids once in a while, and when her parents leave her, she turns into a holy terror. I’ve discovered (as with my own kids) that giving them a choice is self-empowering, and leaves them feeling in control of the situation, though the choice is by your design.
For example, I will say (in a nice tone), “Hey, holy terror, do you want to go have alone time in the bedroom with the door shut or do you want to be a good listener and play nice?” Then, if she is not a good listener, follow through and put her in the room for 2 minutes (1 minute per year old).
This needs to be dumbed down for a two year old, but once you get the hang of giving choices, it helps get your kids to do what you want them to. It’s especially effective if you can be preemptive and diffuse situations before they start. Knowing that my kids don’t do too well at stores sometimes (Ingles, Target, etc) I will give them the choice before we get out of the car: “Boys, you guys can behave well in the store and watch TV tonight, or misbehave and have no TV. It’s your choice.” A time or two of not getting TV (which is an earned privilege in my house) and they get the picture that I mean what I say.
This all comes from the Love and Logic school of thought, which is really interesting and succesful, even though the guys that teach it seem like cheesy motivational speakers.
I used to teach Love and Logic to parents but I’m neither cheesy or motivational in any way. Although, I taught in a one-on-one setting in families’ homes so there was less of a presentation…just more of a ‘work with these parents so they do not get their kids taken away and lost in the foster care system’ kinda feel.
Great advice there WillC. We used to have a couple kids over that were just out of control in so many ways. We kept firm with them, provided consequences and rewards for their decisions, etc. over a 6 month span. By the end if that time, they would come over and be absolute angels…until mom showed up.
It was difficult, but we stayed true to our system even when the mother (and very close friend to my wife and I) was over. At first she was angry at us (which I understand because we were over-stepping her parental authority..however…the actions of her kids directly impacted our children negatively in their home) and demoralized as a parent (a bit of a victim I suppose). However, after a couple awkward interactions like this, she eventually came to us for support and implemented a system in her home that was effective and 3 years later thanks us to this day.
It was really interesting to learn about the Love and Logic for us being that we had set up (almost naturally) a similar system prior to that.
So piffy, I’d address your concern with the parents directly. Stay strength-based with them (like how they are good parents and that the kid is usually great) to start with.
