So tonight I took my son to the Clone Wars, a movie he’s been anticipating for months.
I was cautiously optimistic, very cautiously, but had hope based on the extraordinary Cartoon Network shorts that came out a couple of years ago it bears a resemblance to. Despite the ultimate failure of the recent trilogy (which I mostly liked. Mostly.) I had hope.
I should have known better.
Never have I seen such an absolutely blatant attempt at milking a cow long after it’s dry. Not even a dry cow; a maggot ridden, eyeless and death-gas bloated cow corpse is more accurate.
A list of grievances. It was:
>Badly animated
>Horribly voiced (wait till you see Jabba the Hutt’s gay uncle. He sounds like Cow from “Cow and Chicken”. Seriously.)
>Terribly scored
>Excruciatingly scripted (nothing new, I know, but other flashy things distracted from that shortfall in the past)
>Obviously written for his grandchildren or whatever. Really, who ####### cares about a baby Hutt for chrissakes?!?
>And the worst criticism: it was boring. Seriously, I tried to fall asleep just to escape the anguish and failed. I looked at my watch a grand total of 8 times. In a 90 minute film.
*Minor spoiler, if you give two shits*
As a continuity geek I’m baffled: Why in the name of God would Yoda advocate Anakin training a Padawan after all the doubt he had in him? Makey no sensey.
*End spoiler*
Actually, the worstist criticism? My son didn’t like it. My son, who, bless his heart, liked Journey to the Center of the Earth. When it was over his face told a tale of utter disillusionment (as if I’d told him Santa Claus was a child killer who ate his victims raw. I’m looking at you George Lucas).
Don’t see this movie (yes I know Bugg, you weren’t going to anyway). I mean it, don’t go. I’m going to stand outside the theater for the next week and scare people away. No one should have to suffer through this crusty, disease ridden, pox marked, oozing whore of a film the way I did.
I feel ####### violated.
Congratulations George, you’re now a pathetic ####### hack.
Stop. Now.
