This is from my blog, but I thought I’d ask it here.

By no means is this meant to sound insensitive (even though I’m sure someone will take it as that), but what’s with being a parent?

I spent a lot of time today messing around on Facebook and I’ve noticed all of these people that I knew in my youth that are now parents and their profiles all say things like: “my child is the center of my world”. What’s up with that?

I’m not saying that parenting is dumb or the act of having children is hollow or without merit, but I don’t understand people when they base their lives, their accomplishments or anything else on another person. It’s a fruitless endeavor. That person will inevitably disappoint you, and then what?

One day, I hope to have children, and I’m sure it will be a pretty awesome thing, but at the same time I don’t want that child to be my entire reason for living. I’d think that I’d be much for valuable to the child as a parent if I was doing something with my life to contribute to the world, and not just being a source of income.

Maybe I’m not explaining this well, but it is bothering me. There’s more to life than what’s between your legs and what comes out of there.

Once again, if any parents are reading this, I’m not disparaging or mocking what you do, I’m sure it’s a selfless act to give up part of your life for someone else. But I just wonder when it goes from selfless act to all encompassing thing that takes over your life to a detriment.

Any answers out there?

Not me. I regularly use my Facebook page to heckle my children.

Here’s a couple of stereotypical cookie-cutter responses that are none the less mostly true:

1. You won’t fully understand till you have a kid and
2. If you aren’t ready to have a kid be the center of your life, don’t have one.

That’s not to say that you can’t understand, but I completely felt the same way until I actually saw my kid born. My wife had a complicated birth and our son came out not breathing. Not to sound sappy, but holding the oxygen mask over my son’s tiny little mouth and hoping he would start breathing produced an emotion in me that I’d never felt before and hopefully won’t have to feel again. It was the most desperate, hopeful and powerless feeling in the world.
And yes, the child will be the absolute center of your life, the most important thing you can imagine. That doesn’t mean, obviously, that you won’t pursue other endeavors and celebrate other accomplishments, but being primarily responsible for molding a person into what they will one day be is a pretty big f**king deal.
But that doesn’t keep some people from failing miserably, despite their best intentions (and of course, in some cases, lack thereof).

I do see why you’re questioning how obsessive some parents become when it comes to…parenting and giving up everything that makes one personally fulfilled. Some folks just have that outlook, that all they want to do is raise kids. My brother, for instance, runs his ass off for his two kids and just adopted two girls from Haiti. Noble, certainly, but I couldn’t imagine what he and his wife are in store for.

That’s why I only have one kid. Cuz I’m selfish like that.

I tried to stick one of my rare long posts on this blog entry of yours last night but it vanished and then my son woke up and that was it for my attempt.

My theory is that you don’t realize just how demented parenting makes you until you get them out of the house. In 15 years and 132 days, I will start my slow return to sanity. Then I’ll start to die.

I enjoy it most days, but Jason: put it off until you are at least 35. You’ll be a better parent. I was 40 and I know I’m doing twice the job I would have done at 30.

“Any answers out there?” you ask.

It is just so engrossing that you lose perspective. Things that used to be important seem trivial. You remember your former self as a character in a scarcely remembered novel. The change that occurs in your inner monologue is incomprehensible until it happens.

Mr. Yuck - 12 November 2008 06:07 PM

I tried to stick one of my rare long posts on this blog entry of yours last night but it vanished and then my son woke up and that was it for my attempt.

My theory is that you don’t realize just how demented parenting makes you until you get them out of the house. In 15 years and 132 days, I will start my slow return to sanity. Then I’ll start to die.

I enjoy it most days, but Jason: put it off until you are at least 35. You’ll be a better parent. I was 40 and I know I’m doing twice the job I would have done at 30.

“Any answers out there?” you ask.

It is just so engrossing that you lose perspective. Things that used to be important seem trivial. You remember your former self as a character in a scarcely remembered novel. The change that occurs in your inner monologue is incomprehensible until it happens.

That sounds horrible.

Steve Shanafelt - 12 November 2008 06:43 PM

Mr. Yuck - 12 November 2008 06:07 PM

I tried to stick one of my rare long posts on this blog entry of yours last night but it vanished and then my son woke up and that was it for my attempt.

My theory is that you don’t realize just how demented parenting makes you until you get them out of the house. In 15 years and 132 days, I will start my slow return to sanity. Then I’ll start to die.

I enjoy it most days, but Jason: put it off until you are at least 35. You’ll be a better parent. I was 40 and I know I’m doing twice the job I would have done at 30.

“Any answers out there?” you ask.

It is just so engrossing that you lose perspective. Things that used to be important seem trivial. You remember your former self as a character in a scarcely remembered novel. The change that occurs in your inner monologue is incomprehensible until it happens.

That sounds horrible.

It does, doesn’t it? Maybe I’ll sneak off to Nebraska before mom gets home.

And furthermore, I see a responsibility to ward off those who might take parenthood lightly. I don’t think anyone on this thread is going to do that.

It’s the real deal. Cover the grenade with your belly. Medal of Honor stuff. Be scared. You are giving up your life for another.

Nebraska is far enough away that she could have called in the car as stolen before I got there-oh well.

I think the change is moderated somewhat if you are already forced to be responsible prior to having children. Of course you love your children, but I bet a large part of the “kick in the gut” is due to the sudden overwhelming inescapable responsibility you now have that you did not before.

Because I joined the military prior to having my children, and faced dire consequences (possibly a court-martial) if I did not act responsibly, the responsibility of children was not such a shock to me. 

I will say that you must find a balance between doting on your children and time for your spouse and yourself to maintain your sanity and marriage; My wife and I have been married 21 years, but many people we know who didn’t make some time for themselves divorced (which is better for your kids?).

I must also say that we did not feel some huge negative difference when my first left for college.  I hear of parents who live in silence once their children are gone because they didn’t maintain their relationship with each other over the years while they put all their emphasis on their kids.  I think a balanced approach is better for all.