Directed by: Bruce Hendricks (Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour in 3-D)
Starring: Kevin Jonas, Joe Jonas, Nick Jonas, "Big Rob" Feggans
I looked over my review for last year’s Bruce Hendricks’ Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour in 3-D and realized that it would only have to be reworked slightly in order for it to serve as the review for Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience. And the response to the review/movie would probably result in about the same mix of reader comments on the outrageousness of the price for the tickets, followed by someone on the movie’s “good role models.” In short, what you get here is pretty much the same as what you get with Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: 76 minutes of squeaky clean processed-cheese-food product “rock” music interspersed with spurious “documentary” footage, all aimed at pubescent girls and parents who are anxious about “wholesomeness” in entertainment.
There are, of course, some differences—none of them good. First of all, the “documentary” footage from Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus came across like the work of D.A. Pennebaker in comparison with what Hendricks fobs off here. If you don’t know anything about these boys, you won’t know any more after watching the movie—though you might reasonably deduce that lead singer Joe (the one without curly hair who spends the first part of the film dressed like Huey Lewis) is much more impressed with himself than seems justifiable. Worse, what Hendricks offers instead of documentary is appallingly lame. The film starts off with us getting to watch the boys’ apparent handler “Big Rob” Feggans wake each of them up. This is as interesting at it sounds and a complete waste of time, especially in a movie that asks you to shell out nearly 20 bucks for 76 minutes worth of “event.”
Not long after this heart-stopping opening, Hendricks attempts to turn the film into a bargain-basement version of A Hard Day’s Night (1964)—mindless of the fact that he’s no Richard Lester and the Jonas Brothers are assuredly no Beatles. Good Lord, they’re not even the Monkees—more like the Cowsills with less edge. This gives us a dose of Jonasmania with a decidedly meager mob of girls descending on the Jonas’ limo, which causes a lot of running through what appear to be the streets of New York City (with one gag directly lifted from A Hard Day’s Night). The Jonas boys then make it to a helicopter that whisks them off to their concert.
The concert itself is a monument to conspicuous presumption and calculated hysteria. The brothers ascend to the stage on a hydraulic platform that would seem to be coming up from the bowels of hell, judging by the inapt belching flames that surround their entrance. The audience has been given Glo-sticks to add some kind of visual excitement to the 3-Deification of the Jonases. The songs are incredibly undistinguished pap. If there was a memorable tune in the film, I missed it. (At least with the Hannah Montana movie, I was able to kill some time thinking that “Rock Star” sounded most awfully like “Scotty Doesn’t Know” from the 2004 raunch comedy Eurotrip—a suspicion that bore fruit some months later when a copyright-infringement lawsuit cropped up.)
By far the strangest thing about the whole enterprise is the way in which it sets out to be both comfortably sexless and “innocently” sexual at the same time. Despite the message board arguments about the quality of the music (which are more entertaining than the movie, if you’re not in the demographic), does anyone really think that the fan base doesn’t consist largely of girls who are busy texting each other things like, “OMG Joe is so hot”? When the oldest Jonas, Kevin, darts out to the end of the runway so that the girls nearest the stage can stroke his legs in adoration (not too high, mind you), what exactly are we supposed to think? When the boys hold large hoses and spray some white gooey substance all over the girls in the audience, it moves into the realm of who’s kidding whom?
Technically, the film is fairly mediocre, but looks even more so if you’ve seen the 3-D in U2 3D, Coraline and My Bloody Valentine. There’s simply nothing very exciting about the process as it’s used here. Could that be because it’s simply a fool’s errand to try to add a third dimension to such two-dimensional fabrications as the Jonas Brothers? Myself, I’m just waiting for the Jonases in the Farrelly Brother’s film Walter the Farting Dog in 2010—destined to be a classic. Rated G.
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When the boys hold large hoses and spray some white gooey substance all over the girls in the audience, it moves into the realm of who’s kidding whom? Having managed to catch this particular part of the movie, I’m still trying to figure how who thought this was a good idea. |
Mar 04, 2009 |
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When the boys hold large hoses and spray some white gooey substance all over the girls in the audience, it moves into the realm of who’s kidding whom? Perhaps they are fans of FREDDY GOT FINGERED? |
 Mar 04, 2009 at |
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Perhaps they are fans of FREDDY GOT FINGERED? Thanks for reminding me of that. |
Mar 04, 2009 |
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Thanks for reminding me of that. Everyone should be reminded of that movie. That way, it might never happen again. |
Mar 04, 2009 at |
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I completely forgot about Freedy Got Fingered..until now. On a side note, where is Orbit DVD located? |
Steven Mar 05, 2009 |
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Everyone should be reminded of that movie. That way, it might never happen again. If memory serves, Tom Green has walked away from the motion picture industry because we—the moviegoing public—failed to appreciate his genius. |
Mar 05, 2009 |
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On a side note, where is Orbit DVD located? 783 1/2 Haywood Rd. My other store is called TV Eye and is downtown at For Google maps, I finally got a website up and running http://www.orbitdvd.com |
Mar 05, 2009 at |
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On a side note, where is Orbit DVD located? Well, my guess is that Steven is coming to look for you for reminding him of Freddy Got Fingered. |
Mar 05, 2009 |
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I wouldn’t sweat this one. These guys will be forgotten in a few years, just like Hanson (who?). |
Vince Lugo Mar 05, 2009 |
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I wouldn’t sweat this one Easier to say if you haven’t watched it, which I presume you had the good sense not to do. |
Mar 05, 2009 |
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“These guys will be forgotten in a few years, just like Hanson (who?” We all know that Ken has an obsession with Hanson.. |
Steven Mar 05, 2009 |
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“When the boys hold large hoses and spray some white gooey substance all over the girls in the audience, it moves into the realm of who’s kidding whom?” Wow, that actually sounds pretty funny. Freud would have a field day. |
Bert Mar 06, 2009 |
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How can anyone NOT be obsessed with a band like “Hanson”. Brilliantly crafted songs like “MMMBop” touched the hearts of a generation in a way that has - and never will be - matched by any other musician(s). These lyrics still resonate within the bowels of hel…um, I mean the soul. : ) |
Mar 06, 2009 |
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I hate to seem musically challenged, but I’m not sure I’ve ever heard Hanson. It is perhaps just as well. |
Mar 06, 2009 |
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I hate to seem musically challenged, but I’m not sure I’ve ever heard Hanson. It is perhaps just as well. If it’s any consolation, I don’t think it would be possible for me to name a single Jonas Brothers or Hannah Montana song even if my life depended on it (unless, of course, in the mist of such a dire situation, I was allotted the opportunity to do a little quick research, or I managed to get lucky by guessing at random teeny-bopper-esque words). The only reason my mind was ever poisoned by the like of Hanson (among other such ‘boy bands’) is that the incessant, brain numbing music seemed to come from every shopping mall radio in the country during the mid-90’s. Maybe it was simply a matter of the environment that I was subjected to during those times, but I couldn’t seem to get away from it. |
Mar 06, 2009 |
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The only reason my mind was ever poisoned by the like of Hanson (among other such ‘boy bands’) is that the incessant, brain numbing music seemed to come from every shopping mall radio in the country during the mid-90’s. Oh, I’m certain I probably heard them, but they must have gone in one ear and out the other. I would have thought that I might remember something called “MMMBop,” though since the song “Bip Bop” is lodged in my brain as the moment when I started to seriously question Paul McCartney’s post-Beatle worth. |
Mar 06, 2009 |
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I’m curious what you’re going to rate Watchmen. I’ll have to wait until Wednesday.. |
Mar 06, 2009 |
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I’m curious what you’re going to rate Watchmen. I’ll have to wait until Wednesday.. I’m curious what I’m going to rate it, too. I saw it last night and…let’s just say my feelings are mixed. |
Mar 06, 2009 |
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I saw it earlier today. I’ll just say that it definitely didn’t do the novel justice. I didn’t like Zach Snyder’s “style” at all. |
Mar 06, 2009 |
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I have a lot to say about “Watchmen”, but I’m going to reserve my comments to be posted on that movies review, that way it is a little more relevant. But I will say that (for me anyways) a second viewing might perhaps be needed to fully differentiate my feelings on the overall quality of the film, rather that looking at the stuff I didn’t like and the stuff that I did like. |
Mar 07, 2009 |
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I didn’t like Zach Snyder’s “style” at all. I assume that you put “style” in quotations to imply that Snyder doesn’t have any, in which case I totally agree with you. I’m not sure he could even spell the word “auteur”. Snyder has created the only thing worse than a bad Watchmen adaptation: a mediocre and eminently forgettable Watchmen adaptation. |
Sean Williams Mar 09, 2009 |
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Snyder has created the only thing worse than a bad Watchmen adaptation: a mediocre and eminently forgettable Watchmen adaptation. I anticipate lively discourse when the review hits on Wednesday. |
Mar 09, 2009 |
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If memory serves, Tom Green has walked away from the motion picture industry because we—the moviegoing public—failed to appreciate his genius. Nevertheless, I bet he still gets phone calls at 3 A.M. asking whether he has Battle Toads and can do a barrel roll. |
Sean Williams Mar 12, 2009 |
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There’s something comforting about the fact that a discussion of the Jonas Bros. has turned into a Tom Green thread. Judging by the tankage of the JB movie, there’s a good chance that Freddy Got Fingered will outlast it. |
Mar 12, 2009 |
