I know you all wonder what happens after you go to bed at night. I mean, why are your parents so desperate for you to go to sleep? What’s the big deal? Your parents stay up late and still get up with you in the morning. They’re just fine with six hours of sleep, right?
I’m going to let you in on a big secret. I know you’ve suspected for a long time that your parents are having loads of fun without you. Adults think kids are so dumb, don’t they? Well, I know you’re much smarter than your parents think you are, so I’m going to tell that you’re right.
Here’s what your parents don’t want you to know: after you go to bed, your parents have a big party. Every single night. They drink all the Kool-Aid (you didn’t even know there was any in the house, did you? Because you’re only allowed to drink organic apple juice mixed with filtered water). Your parents eat all the candy and other junk food (if you haven’t figured out where your parents keep the candy, you’ve pretty much failed childhood. I’ll raise your childhood grade to a “B” if you’ve figured out where your parents hide the holiday and birthday presents, however).
See, you knew it, didn’t you? While you’re asleep, your parents watch television and play video games and turn the music up loud and jump on the furniture. (But that’s OK, you’ll do well in college because you won’t have rotted your brain out watching all that TV).
Your parents do all things that you would like to be doing — after you’re in bed. Clearly, your parents don’t want you to have any fun. They want all the fun for themselves.
In fact, they eat lollipops and chocolate brownies on the fancy sofa while playing violent video games and poking each other with pointy sticks when one of them loses (you thought you’d hidden those pointy sticks, but parents can sniff out all potential eye stabbing out devices).
As you’re lying there, trying to fall asleep, your parents are tiptoeing around, acting like they’re exhausted, but in reality? They’re just waiting until you’re asleep. And I’m not even going to tell you what the baby sitter gets up to after you go to bed. Because, basically, adults want to party without you. You knew it all along, didn’t you? I know. Being a kid sucks.
But guess what? If you ever become a parent, it’ll be your turn to have parties every night while your kids are sleeping. If you can manage to stay up that late. Now that’s something to look forward to.
Sleep well tonight, kids.
Read more articles in:A + E